I recently went over for dinner at a friend’s house with my two toddlers. Luckily, she has two toddlers and her third set of guests also had children.  It didn’t take long for the house to be in complete mayhem.  As much as the adults tried to enjoy their beverages in the kitchen, catching up and finishing the cooking, a second didn’t go by without the kids causing a problem.  First it was tag and frozen statues, then it was chasing each other with push trucks and doll strollers.  It didn’t matter how much we told them or when we took away the guilty toys, they still seemed to find reasons to end up under foot and too close to the stove.

We all took turns dealing with whose ever child was causing the most problems, my 5-year old was teasing the other 3 year old, the other 5 year old was pushing my 2 year old. Despite books, board games, snacks and an impromptu sing-a-long, nothing seemed to keep them settled for long.

As I did my best to get them all seated, the other parents brought the food to the table.  We all dolled out food to the young ones, got extra forks, favorite cups, extra napkins, better place-mats, took away the adult silver wear they were playing with, the good glasses and of course cleaned up the inevitable spills. Before the last parent actually sat down to feed themselves, the first kid was finished and ready to leave the table.  As soon as one was up, the rest were off.  We elected to put in a movie hoping it would entertain them so we adults could eat, but the boys didn’t want to watch Sleeping Beauty and the girls were groaning at the idea of  A Shark’s Tale.   Nemo was too scary for the little ones and Baby Einstein was not going to keep the older one sitting for a second. Overall the entire night was spend juggling the drama of the kids and by the end of it, each parent felt exhausted and ready to go home.

It seemed that all of us had lost our power as parents.  Hardly a word was spoken that the kids took serious or  followed respectfully, and I consider myself and my friends pretty astute parents.  When I was a kid, either of my parents just gave me “the look” and I was sitting still till we headed home.  If my dad had to tell me more than once, I knew I was in for it, and never , ever would I go to someone else’s house and behave unruly.  Yet that same level of discipline seems to escape my kids no matter how much I think I am leading by example or speaking in a parental tone.

I remember as a kid, we were in the basement, playing AWAY from the parents, and the last thing we would ever do was be loud enough or misbehave enough to warrant one of them having to come down.  Yet now  a days the kids seem to dictate exactly how much we are going to enjoy ourselves by how much they are enjoying themselves.  If my son does not want to do something or be somewhere, no matter how much I negotiate and explain… I end  up  leaving to avoid all the drama he causes.

There are days when I wish I held the power my parents had… one word , one raised eye-brow and I was back in line .  Since much of that was based on the fear of the aftermath, I found a few workable suggestions from Stephanie Brown at  http://babyparenting.about.com/od/discipline/tp/toddlerdiscipline.htm

Standing on my Soapbox, JB

Toddler Discipline

Guide Your Toddler’s Behavior with These Tools

By: Stephanie Brown

As in most parenting situations, there is no one-size-fits-all method of discipline for toddlers. The more discipline tools you have at your disposal the better. Parents may find that the more they rely on one single method, the less effective that method becomes. Try some of these techniques and pay close attention to your child’s reaction. Be as consistent as possible, but remain flexible when your method of choice isn’t working any longer.

Redirection
You can use all the passion and energy your toddler is putting into misbehavior and use it for good. For example, if your toddler is throwing sand at a playmate, you can remove him from the sandbox and offer a ball instead. That way, your toddler is still doing something he wants to do (throwing) but you’ve turned it into a positive instead.

Distraction
Distraction is similar to redirection but instead of focusing on similar activities, choose activities that are unrelated to or opposite of the behavior your child is exhibiting. For example, if your child is picking at a loose strand on the living room rug and you’re afraid he’ll unravel it, you can set up a finger painting activity in the high chair. This gives your toddler something fun to do and you time to fix or remove the rug for later repair. This method works best with behaviors that are not always inappropriate, but that you or others might find annoying. It’s not the best method for more serious behaviors or repeat offenses that need more work.
Learn more about distraction…

Ignoring
Ignoring can be hard to pull off, but it can be extremely effective. There are times when drawing attention to the unwanted behavior has the effect of making it worse.
For example, if you don’t normally swear, but happen to do so one day and your toddler repeats it, let it go. It probably won’t happen again unless you make a big deal about it.

Or if siblings are arguing but no one is getting hurt, you should try not to get involved so they can work on their problem solving skills together.

You can also put an end to many temper tantrums if your toddler realizes you’re not going to give back the same volatile reaction. Always make sure she’s safe and then ignore the behavior in question.

Natural Consequences
I’m not sure where parents these days got the idea that childhood should be as cooshy and comfortable as possible. I think sometimes it’s an overcorrection in reaction to so many terrible cases of child abuse coming to light. A bit of inconvenience and discomfort can be a very effective teacher, however, and is in no way abusive if you use common sense. Let your child experience the consequences of his actions whenever you can. Do not spare your child every difficulty or try to make things too easy. Watch carefully for these teachable moments — most of the time you won’t even have to lift a finger for it to work. Just reinforce verbally: “I asked you to get your toy several times and you didn’t, so now it’s at Grandma’s until next time.”

Not-So-Natural Consequences
It doesn’t have to be natural to be effective, but be careful. Make sure your toddler is starting to put together cause and effect on his own first. Some parents don’t like this method because it feels like punishment. I look at it more like getting a speeding ticket. There’s a rule there and if I don’t follow it, I have to pay a fine and may even lose my privilege to drive. It doesn’t take long for kids to learn this. Just be fair and consistent.
Use “If-Then” statements. “If you take your brother’s toy away from him then you will have to leave the playground,” or “If you keep throwing rocks at the window then we’re going inside.”

Remove privileges or toys if this motivates your child. “You cannot watch Dora today until you get dressed.”

Time Out
Time out can be effective as a way for your toddler to regroup when having a tantrum. It can also help him stop misbehaving or start behaving in ways you’d like. The main goal is to help him learn how to control his own behavior and this method can be quite effective.
Use when your child is outwardly exhibiting anger or is out of control. Say, “I can’t understand you when you are yelling,” or “I understand you’re angry, but you need to calm down.” Then physically lead your child to a time-out area, allowing him to rejoin you when he’s regained control.

You can also use brief periods of time out after giving your child a warning about his behavior and, in time, he will learn that your rules are important and he will make better choices.