This week I celebrated my daughter’s nine month birthday. It seems hard to believe that nine months have passed since she arrived. So many exciting things have happened in her development and each day I am in awe as her little personality emerges.

In those nine months we have been inundated with pink clothes, midnight feedings, the sighing sound she makes when she sleeps and of course the squeals she makes when she’s awake. She’s brought so much to our world and I am grateful that she chose us as her parents.

Of course, I could go on and on about all the amazing things that have transpired since her arrival, but what I really want to talk about is that in those nine months, the number of times that I’ve had sex I can count on both my hands.

Having a baby is a huge transformation and it seems that once the labour part is over and all of the healing has taken place (in my case I had a caesarean section), we expect ourselves and are expected, by our partners, to kick into gear and resume our sexual routine. NOT!

I would like to know why no scientific grants or government money is allotted to study the effects and conditions of post-pregnancy sexual stimuli. I myself have had to, on numerous occasions, explain to my husband that “not feeling like it” has nothing to do with him. Additionally I have had to explain (and this is where I think the scientist should step in) that Mom’s body and brain are on other things.

Of course, before baby came, having one’s breast massaged and paid attention to felt good, tantalizing and erotic. But now after continuous nursing, suckling and, if your child is older like mine, tugging, biting and trying to hang on while turning to see Sesame Street, has pretty much ensured that all of those feelings are shut off and gone. I actually believe my brain has HAD TO remove all sense of sexual stimulation to that area because now having my child nursing seven to ten times a day–in the car, at the playground, in the restaurant bathroom–has basically zapped the “ I’m still an sexual entity” right out of me . Now my breasts are no longer for playing with, they’re here to perform a job.

Of course my husband still wants them to perform the job he likes most, but I keep thinking, “How can one possibly be expected to feed baby in one minute and then a few minutes later be aroused and excited?” I assure him that he’ll have no better luck south of the border. All I want to do is sleep! I’m not sure about you, but the time, energy and work that goes into that voyage is often way more than I have at the end of a day filled with gymnastics, blowing up the mini swimming pool, feeding Carco, my son’s imaginary dog, and having the city gas company ringing my doorbell to tell me they have to dig up my newly landscaped yard to find a leak in a pipe. Where’s the arousal in that?

Even when a day is moderately filled with my son insisting on wearing his shirt backwards or the hysterics of a lost toy, I still find it hard to muster the strength (or should I say juices) to perform in the night. This is where my doctor (female, of course) has actually come to the rescue explaining that: during breast feeding a woman’s body often loses its “quick response” to become aroused. Lack of lubrication is common in breastfeeding women, because estrogen levels are low. Normally when you are sexually excited, two special glands at the entrance of the vagina, called Bartholin’s glands, produce extra secretions. The moisture from these glands is more slippery than the moisture from the cervix, because its purpose is to provide good lubrication during intercourse. While breast-feeding, vaginal dryness and painful intercourse can occur as Estrogen levels are low, causing the vagina to become thin, inelastic, and dry.

Thank goodness someone was able to explain it, because on all of those days I spent making banana bread with my Mom, we never got to that conversation! On the upside, I have been told: your clinician can give you some estrogen cream to use vaginally every night for a week or two and then once or twice a week. This will improve your symptoms without affecting your milk supply. Breast-feeding women vary in how quickly the dryness resolves. For some it is with the return of menstrual periods; for others dryness lasts a longer period of time.

Aware of this information, I have been getting the pressure to end the breast feeding stint as my little girl has reached her ninth months. My husband’s request has been duly noted but I am still not 100% ready to give it up and have even become endeared towards the tugging and yanking, knowing that the countdown to the end is inevitably near.

It isn’t a perfect situation—who do I make more important to? My daughter, who needs it? My husband, whose patience is outstanding? Or myself, who adores being a mother yet has the distant feelings of a woman in lust? I know we are sexual beings where intimacy and intercourse has definite importance in our relationships, but I still find it hard to convince my body and my brain to make the necessary effort. An effort where there should be no effort, just enjoyment and pleasure, where kids aren’t looming on your mind and where the slightest gurgle from the other room doesn’t break your concentration. Again, where are the scientific facts to back me up and assure me that one day soon I’ll feel normal again and S E X will be grander than ever?

Standing on my soapbox,

JB

Written by: The Public Health Office - Seattle & King County

Changes in Sex Drive

Many couples notice changes in their pattern of love-making because the baby needs attention day and night at unpredictable times, and you are tired and your moods are different. Take advantage of moments when you feel rested and sexual and baby is asleep. It may be a different time than you usually make love; enjoy the change. Tiredness does go away as your baby gets older and you get more rest. Do what feels right to you and your partner.

Ways to Feel Close in Addition to Sexual Intercourse
It is important to keep your feelings of love and closeness to your partner while you are adjusting to having a baby. Here are some ways to show love and affection for your partner:
• Cuddle
• Hold hands
• Talk
• Kiss
• Touch and massage

Written by: Department of Health of Western Australia

Advice on a woman’s sexuality after childbirth can differ. Many beliefs are based on myths, not fact. Stories in the media often give the impression that it is easy to combine a full-time job, housework, a relationship, hobbies and other interests with your new baby. The reality is quite different. New mothers need time for their bodies to recover and to adjust to their new self-image. It is also a time of change in your relationship and individual couples vary enormously in how they feel. After the birth it is important for couples to talk about their feelings and their sexuality and if possible to spend time alone
together. The best time to resume sex is when both are ready, considering possible hesitations after the recent birth experience.

Each woman’s needs are individual. Some women prefer to be intimate by being held and cuddled rather than have intercourse during pregnancy and soon after the birth. By contrast, others may experience increased sexual interest during pregnancy.

CHANGES TO YOUR BODY

Giving birth will also have some obvious effects on your body that can impact on your physical relationship and when you can resume sex. The following are the most common physical changes, and where appropriate are suggested ideas to assist adjustment to the changes.
• Discharge from the uterus may continue for up to four weeks.
• Episiotomies or tears in the perineum or vagina may take between two or three weeks to heal. Caesarean section scars usually take a similar time to mend.

To reduce stress on any scar tissue during sexual intercourse, you can help guide the penis into the vagina. This is often easier if the woman is on top of her partner and will also avoid pressure on full breasts or sore nipples. Side-to-side or rear entry positions may also be more comfortable.

If you have stitches from the delivery, check the scar before resuming sexual activity. Use a mirror to inspect the area and see if it has healed. Check for tenderness by putting some finger pressure on the scar. If this is painful, then sex will also be painful. If normal healing and sensation are not proceeding well, check with your doctor. Treatment from a women’s health physiotherapist can also be effective in softening scar tissue.

A dry vagina and some tenderness and pain upon penetration can be caused by a lack of oestrogen soon after the birth especially if the mother is breastfeeding. It is important to use a water-based lubricant to reduce friction. Vaginal slackness results from stretching the pelvic muscles during pregnancy and delivery. Pelvic exercises should be practised many times a day for at least three months to help restore the vagina’s normal muscle tone. Contact your child health nurse or women’s health physiotherapist at your local hospital for more information about pelvic floor exercises. Breasts will not be as firm, whether a new mother decides to breastfeed her baby or not. The ‘let-down’ reflex of breastfeeding can be triggered by sexual excitement. Breastfeeding can stimulate this normal physical response in some women. Your partners reaction to heavier breasts resulting from breastfeeding can be different. For some they are a ‘turn-on’, for others they discover the ‘milkiness’ is a ‘turn-off ’. Every couple is different.

The waistline may not spring back instantly to its original shape. The recommended daily postnatal exercises, as described in the Physiotherapy Before and After Childbirth booklet, can help this.

Brown skin colour around the nipples and the brownish vertical tummy stripe that develops on some women during pregnancy may take four months or longer to fade. Stretch marks also fade gradually to become silvery lines.

USING CONTRACEPTION

Returning to having sex requires decisions about contraception. Contrary to common beliefs, breastfeeding alone is not an effective form of contraception. Between ten and twenty percent of breastfeeding women can become pregnant within sixteen weeks of giving birth.

Protection from an unplanned pregnancy needs to be discussed with your doctor before the delivery or soon afterwards. Frequently, a different form of birth control may be suggested after the birth than what you may have used previously.

RELATIONS WITH YOUR PARTNER

Your partner will also be experiencing a time of adjustment. His libido may have decreased after the baby’s birth due to the increased financial and personal responsibility to the family and continuing work commitments. In other cases the male’s sexual desire may seem to increase. This can be caused by jealousy of the mother’s intimacy and physical closeness with the baby, a fear of being left out of the new relationship, or even feeling neglected.

During the busy weeks and months after the arrival of a new baby, it is common to feel overwhelmed by the constant demands upon your time and energy. It is important to communicate your needs to your partner, particularly if more assistance may be needed from them.

Fatigue caused by interrupted sleep and very busy days may reduce either parent’s sexual interests. As well as this, babies can wake up and demand attention at the most inconvenient times. It may also be difficult for your husband to understand that you may have had so much touching and intimate contact with the baby that you don’t welcome his touch. This type of interpersonal stress can be eased with good communication. When couples have little time to relax and enjoy each other’s company, just spending a quiet time along together, talking, cuddling and kissing is important. Intimacy does not have to result in sex.

To assist you with reducing your workload and finding time for you and your partner, make the most of any offers of assistance with the housework, cooking or shopping. A couple of hours help, a cooked meal, some errands handled by another person can all bring remarkable relief. Accepting offers from people to babysit will also enable you time to recharge your batteries.

Other helpful hints:
• plan ahead for sexual activity
• feed baby first
• have a warm shower or a long bath
• take your time
• change position if you experience pain
• anticipate pleasure rather than pain
• do more activities you both find pleasurable

http://www.population.health.wa.gov.au/Child/resources/Sexuality%20after%20your%20baby.pdf