This weekend I attended a beautiful Greek wedding. It was a very ceremonial event lasting over an hour and filled with tradition and symbolism. At one point in the ceremony, the priest spoke about the roles of both the husband and wife. As he read from his scriptures he talked about the bond between a man and a woman, how he is to love her as he loves himself and how she is to love him like no other. As much as she is to honor him, he (the priest said) is to honor her in return. He is to be the king in his house and she is to be the queen, he is to treat her with love, respect and cherish her as he cherishes himself.

All of the priest’s words spoke of equality, sharing and the importance of each person in the union. It praised the couple and said profoundly that they are to be the king and queen of their household and above all else, honor one other.

Sitting there, moved by the beauty of the church and the power of the ceremony, I reached over and held the hand of my husband. We will be together ten years this November and over that time we have been through our share of good days and bad.

Like many of you, our relationship was carefree and blissful those early days of marriage. It was the “creamy time” my father-in-law used to say, referring to how the cream from the butter rises to the top, but is only a thin layer and can disappear quickly. We happily enjoyed being a twosome, as we blissfully grew into one another.

Typically our first child changed our lives dramatically, and now number two has added another round of alterations and adjustments. Though the hectic schedules, lack of sleep, fevers, trips to the emergency room, constant outings, birthday parties, gymnastics, swimming, soccer, skating, food allergies, sleeping problems, earaches, opposite parenting styles, discipline issues and one hundred percent of our day being about kids, our marriage has had to take a back seat.

Some days I look at my husband and adore his patience, guidance and determination to take care of all of us, Others days I cringe at his forgetfulness, lack of discipline and need to nap on the couch. There are times when I expect him to act differently, and then situations where he amazes me and does something I would have never expected. With the barrage of kids screaming, yelling, puking, pooping, shouting, crying, falling, dropping and breaking things, anyone’s nerves would be raw. Some days he handles it beautifully, others not, and like any father, he does the best he can with the tools he has.

As a mother and wife I stand back sometimes to watch him, other times I jump in, trying to help him. Of course we disagree, sometimes pout or get completely frazzled beyond belief. It is those times when the commitment to honor and respect gets challenged; the marriage once again takes a back seat.

This weekend as I watched those two young people get married, I saw the love and commitment in their eyes. Each of them exuded anticipation, excitement and a kind of tunnel vision for only the other. It made me think of the day that I was a bride and brought back the emotions and feelings I had. I closed my eyes to remember that moment when my husband, his love and our future was everything to me. I filled myself with the memories and re-lived the devotion I felt before the kids, mortgage and weight of responsibilities. I soaked in the love and affection I had for this man and remember why I married him, why I loved him, and why I chose him over anyone else.

When we left the church I held his hand a little tighter and looked at him a little more lovingly. As much as I have written about my changing, how I am not the person I once knew, and how I feel sometimes lost in my own skin, I realized he too must feel the same. Like all men, he would never admit it, nor would he ever complain, but I am sure he does feel it. We both have been forced to change and not voluntarily, but life has required us too.

Today I encourage you to think back to your wedding. Re-live for a moment, the day you pledged your love and devotion to the man that still stands by your side. Remember what you saw in him, loved in him and what made him more desirable than anyone else. See him unmarked by circumstances, bogged down by obligation, tuckered-out from work or stress. Fill yourself with his essence and the love that you shared. Go back to that time when your heart was open, innocent and sincere and offer him a bit more of that. Reach out a little extra, smile more often and feel compassion when you can, for this man who is your partner, king of your household, is also a father, fixer, and provider, a role that requires a lot.

Standing on my soapbox,

JB

Attitude is about believing that your mate has your best interests at heart; it is about not letting loving feelings be squelched by everyday annoyances and disappointments; it is about benefit of the doubt; it is about cherishing the moments and living for the well-being of the other and being sustained by the joy of giving and the blessing of receiving in return.
-Dr. Laura Schlessinger

What are the most common complaints men have about their wives?
•    Their women don’t seem to have much regard for their feelings and needs
•    Their women constantly criticize and dismiss them
•    Their women don’t seem to want to go out of their way to please them
•    Their women nag, demand, and complain — and seem to behave as though they were entitled to do so
•    Their women don’t make them feel truly needed and valued as men

What are husbands’ most important needs?
•    He wants to feel like a “man” to his woman; he wants to feel that he is providing and protecting
•    He wants to feel that she needs and admires him
•    He wants to know that she desires him
•    Basically, The Three A’s: appreciation, approval, and affection